Emotional Affairs - Guard Your Heart Part 1

The Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23 to "Guard Your Heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." I knew about guarding my heart against the things of the world but I didn't know that the enemy would use a important person in my life to cause me to let my guard down. 

In 2012, I was attending Bible college at Grand Canyon University. Our family also was going through really difficult storms. My youngest daughter Felicity was born and she wasn't growing. She was in the hospital and going down the same path that I had seen Jackson and Brighton go down. My heart was breaking. My husband was working long hours, discontent, and hurting. But in the same aspect I was also happy in my professional life.  I was accomplishing a dream that I had had since I was a teenager. I always wanted to go to Bible college. 

As a teenager that dream got derailed when I left home because I met a guy and focused on that instead of what God had called me to do. Looking back, I understand why. I wasn't ready for college at 18 years of age. I still had a lot of growing up to do.
When God opened the door for me to go to Bible college I was overjoyed. I remember sitting in Grand Canyon University arena listening to Third Day and deciding to take the step. "I'm just going to see if it's possible." I didn't think it would be but knew if it was the Lord would open doors for me. 

He opened those doors WIDE. I started classes at GCU and was so excited. Here I was a mom of ten children, managing a house, medical day to day things, and going to college. Did I think I was Super woman? No I knew that I wanted to be somebody, to make a difference in the world for Jesus. I wanted to be a light in the darkness and make people smile. 

One day when going through my email, my long time mentor and friend emailed me a picture of Jesus, I wrote her back. In my email, I thanked her for sending it to me. I also shared with her my successes. I wrote her about my children and how I had taken the steps to go to college. I wanted her to know this because she had always wanted me to go to school. This woman was a huge influence in my life both in my family and in my relationship with the Lord. I told her how I had made the Dean's List. I told her that I was surprised as I didn't think I had what it took to go to college. But through God's grace and strength I can do this. I thanked her for her prayers because she was always praying for me and my family.  

I didn't know that that email would lead to a new adventure. I didn't know that that email would open my heart to things that I didn't ever think I could be susceptible to. But sadly, it did.

I am not proud of what I am going to write in these next few paragraphs and pages. But it is my story and I am thankful that God can take and use the broken pieces of our life and use them for his good. 

I was sitting upstairs in my bedroom working on schoolwork. I was studying for a test or reading a textbook when I got an email. The email was from her son. At first, I thought the email was spam. I was going to hit delete. But after one email came then came another. I remember I called my best friend and asked her what to do. This person from my past was emailing me. I didn't think I would ever hear from them especially how we had left things. I had dated her son in 1995. 

I remember that day that I said good bye to him. My cousin was getting married and moving to Illinois. I was left at her house to pack up and get things ready.  I needed advice. So my neighbor who I was living with called him and asked him to come over. She secretly wanted us to get back together. Lucas pulled in the driveway. I was hesitant to see him. We had a lot of damaged feelings between us. I had been seeing someone else, he was hurt, but yet he still came to help me through a decision. He sat on one side of the room and I sat on the other. We talked for a small amount of time. And then that was the last time that I saw him.

As I sat at the computer staring at this email, I didn't know what to say. I was at a place in my life where I was happy. I didn't think anything could derail me. But it did.

Shawnee, I just wanted to say Hi. I'm hoping we can and will talk soon (as friends) I hope all is well with you. God bless you. Lucas

So odd, so out of the blue. But it didn't see harmful. It seemed like a harmless email.  He continued to send me messages and tell me about his dog and said he didn't put a subject in the first message as he wasn't sure if I would just delete it not knowing who it is. It's just me. Hope to hear from you soon.

We talked for a bit back and forth. I shared about my children, going to school, I asked how his family was. Lucas had always wanted a family so I figured by now he would have at least 3 kids, a beautiful house, and the life that he had dreamed of. But he didn't.  

Congrats on going to college and doing so well. Who would have thought you could do so much and so well? ME! I always believed in you! I knew you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. I'm very proud of you. He went on to tell me about how he had graduated since we were dating when he was in college. He told me about how he planned on going into ministry but that the details hadn't been revealed to him yet. Trusting in God is the only way. I'll let you know more when I know.

I encouraged him. Reminding him of great verses in the Bible that I held to during difficult times. The very verses that I had learned in church and at the church that he and I attended together.  

In my mind it was innocent, two old friends catching up. I even let my husband read the messages. He wasn't okay with it because he never trusted Lucas. But he let me do what I felt that needed to do. Over time Lucas and I would talk. One day when we talked, he rocked my whole world. 

You see I was okay with how things had ended up between us because I knew that I wasn't good enough for him. I knew that I wasn't what God had for him. But when he told me a different story. I was broken. I remember the day he had told me what had happened and how people had made him believe things that weren't even remotely true to change his view of me. I was shocked. 

When you get unsettling news and it hits you, that's how I felt that day. How could these very people who I trusted and loved - told him that I had done these things. Things that I hadn't done or would have thought of doing. I was committed to loving him, I was supposed to be his wife someday. But it didn't matter - I was in a happy place or so I thought. 

I told Lucas that I was praying for him and that it was good to catch up. I told him that I was praying for him and believing for God's best for his life. I told that to all my friends because it was true. I had prayed for God's best for him and his family like the Lord said to do since the day we said good bye. But I had let my heart unguarded and my unguarded heart would lead me in a direction that was permissive. Thankfully the Lord would carry me every step of the way. 

Have you left your heart unguarded? Open to the things of the World and not the things of God? Have you left yourself open to things that you never thought you would? The great thing is we have freedom in Jesus. The Lord loves to heal the broken places of our life. If you need healing in your broken, unguarded places, cry out to Jesus today. 

Be Blessed!! 

*The names in this story have been changed to protect those involved.